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April 23, 2008 by thehitchcockblonde
The inestimable Evening Standard, that AMT Coffee-stained, crossword-completed, strewn-across-your-seat Chiltern Railways whore, has taken it’s plump, trembling, sovereign-ringed and sweat-stained finger off the racing pulse of the Nation. Usually so quick to pick up on a crisis, those misanthropic mass-hysteria mongers have failed to identify the biggest English emergency since, well, this.
Yes, a FIG ROLL SHORTAGE THREATENS THE NATION and only the internet seems to care. Sure, a good-time Blonde sometimes likes to hang at the docks with her hard-tack-tough, fly-flecked seaman Garibaldi; once in a while she shyly consents to be spoiled by her dark, glossy-maned, continental sugar-daddy Bhalsen - but a life without the unctious, gritty, soft-doughed embrace of her sweet, sticky poet Sultan Roll?
Now that is a state of terror. We need to detain some fucking wasps.
Ah, that would explain it. My daughter is the keenest of keen fig roll fans and she has been beside herself of late, rocking backwards and forwards with the glazed eye of a dribbling crown green gardener fearful of Christmas-Club-money-based arrest. Our local supermarket has had a sad empty space between the custard creams and Hob Nobs for far too long now. I am alas (but I have no knockers?) about to break her little heart with this news. But she will forgive me. When she’s 60.
There should be a helpline, like the one they set up when Take That broke up. Come to think of it, they should have set one up when Take That got back together.
I think I read somewhere that each different type of fig tree depends upon a different type of wasp for its pollination; one of those wonderful things that Nature seems to do for its own amusement, it seems.
And while Murdoch is responsible for many, many bad things, I’m not sure it’s fair to lay the blame for the Standard and Daily Mail at his reptilian feet. There are other nasty, nasty people that need to be blamed for those.
Ah, Nature. She’s a peach, and with a sense of humour, to boot. Ah yes, moment of madness with the Murdoch thing; my vitriol burst the banks of News Corp and dribbled out into Associated News. Amends duly amended.
Surely detaining ‘fucking wasps’ must be quite hard? Catching them in the act is not only an invasion of arthropod privacy but surely they don’t bother with foreplay or hang about too long either. I mean, would you like getting fruity with a partner bearing 6 legs and 3 body segments??
Actually…
Re. Wess’ question: it’s one to ponder, isn’t it?
Did you know that Marcel Duchamp did a drawing entitled ‘Wasp, or Sex Cylinder’? I’m not sure if that’s relevant…
How I love the tinterweb. From fig rolls to wasps and sex cylinders via Take That Helplines in less time than it takes to type ‘6 legged fetish’.
Sex cylinder - now that’s one thing there should never be a national shortage of. Whatever it is.